


let me down slowly

by rriptides



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Coming of Age, Light Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining, Time Skips, Underage Drinking, Wrong timing, felix/hyuck is temporary yall, hyuck can’t stop thinking about boys, lee felix/donghyuck are a thing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-07
Updated: 2019-02-04
Packaged: 2019-10-05 20:15:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 18,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17331638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rriptides/pseuds/rriptides
Summary: to donghyuck, mark is a pipe dream.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> so.... this was a nice surprise. i had this idea and wrote 1.5k in an hour and here we are. 1/3, i hope you guys enjoy it since it’s different from everything i’ve wrote before. enjoy!  
>  **to: my babies ♡**

 

  
_ if you wanna go then i’ll be so lonely   
if you're leaving baby let me down slowly _

 

it starts when he’s fourteen and there’s a new boy around. donghyuck has always been curious and loud, his friends’ words, so no one’s really surprised when he approaches the new boy near his locker, looking him up from head to toe—he’s trying to cause an impression, he’s got a thing for making people fear him. the boy blushes instantly behind his glasses.

“heard you’re new.”

he looks for the name tag,  _ mark lee _ . he really is a foreign student then; their school is filled with those, so it’s not really something that korean students care about, but renjun just couldn’t shut up about the new boy.

“uh… yes.” his voice comes out shaky, unable to keep eye contact for too long, so donghyuck has a change of heart and smiles. a friendly approach for once won’t kill him, right? he offers mark his hand.  _ formal so he won’t think i’m too friendly.  _ “i’m donghyuck, renjun’s friend. you remember him?”

when he motions for renjun behind his back and mark peeks at him and then nods, the boy finally seems to relax a bit, a tiny (cute) smile playing on his lips. “yeah! i’m mark.”

“i know!” donghyuck smiles, thinking that maybe it won’t be so bad if he plays nice for once. “wanna join us for lunch, mark?”

the smile mark sends his way is horrible, terrible, incredibly ugly.

 

— — —

 

donghyuck never had a lot of close friends, but he was always surprisingly popular around school, mostly because he’s loud. still, he sticks to his close friends; renjun, jisung, chenle, jeno, jaemin and now, mark. most of them never really saw the point in someone else joining their group since it was full enough, but mark lee and his cute personality happened, so of course they made an exception. 

turns out mark is one year older than them, which is not a surprise but donghyuck thought that maybe he’d be months older and not a whole year. mark’s got tracking with chenle and some extra classes with renjun that donghyuck wasn’t interested in, but somehow he was closer to him. donghyuck blames it on how they’re interested in the same things, from music to movies and even random opinions in things that don’t really matter.

“but things that don’t matter  _ do _ matter, hyuck.” mark told him once, mouth filled with the strawberry jelly sandwich his mother made and he shares with donghyuck. “they might not matter to other people, but as long as they matter to you, they matter.”

donghyuck can only stare at him with narrowed eyes because he can’t find it in him to tell mark that’s bullshit, because mark hates cursing and maybe donghyuck believes what he’s saying.

“eat your damn sandwich, mark lee.”

donghyuck tried to ignore the way the nickname makes he feel funny.  
  


— — —

 

it’s fours days before christmas and mark is going back to canada to spend it with his family, and that’s not at all the reason donghyuck has been a pouty mess; in his defense, he hates that he won’t be able to see mark everyday for the first time in months, but that’s okay since he’s coming back soon.

he’s outside mark’s door. the older had called and invited him to go over before he left, and now he’s standing outside because his mom is coming and mark had to go get something inside.

when he comes back, his hands are behind his back and mark’s got that smile on his face, the one that says he’s got something on his mind. and his cheeks are flushed to a shade of pink that makes donghyuck hate him slightly.

“i’ll message you everyday, but…” he takes him hands from behind his back and a gift package appears. donghyuck frowns at it, confused. “merry christmas hyuck.”

he’s not gentle at all as he takes the gift and unwraps it in a hurry, she’s going wide as he sees what it is, a frame with a picture of the two of them; one where they’re smiling happily, mark with his glasses and braces. 

“i was going to give you a hoodie… or something… mom thought it’d be a nice idea to give you that. since i know you love pictures…”

mark is stumbling words upon words and donghyuck can only stare at him, feeling a bit of guilt for giving mark a handwritten and decorated card with  _ canadian boy this is korea!!! from the world’s #1 best friend to the world’s #1 worst best friend. _

“you’re an idiot.”

that makes mark’s flustered state to end and a breathy laugh leave his lips.

“i know.” he pushes donghyuck in for a hug, “merry christmas, donghyuck.”

if donghyuck holds on a little tighter, no one needs to know.

“merry christmas, mark lee.”

 

— —  
  


on new year’s day, when the clock hits 11:59, donghyuck’s phone rings.

“mark! are you crazy?!”

_ “maybe.” _ mark giggles. people start counting down.  _ “10. 09. 08. 07.06.” _

donghyuck roll his eyes, “05. 04. 02. 01.”

“HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!”

as everyone cheers and give out hugs, donghyuck smiles and feels something bloom inside his heart, “happy new year, mark.”

_ “happy new year, hyuck!” _

 

— — —

 

he’s fifteen and he’s changing. everyone is, which is inevitable but scary at the same time; for some reason he feels like as they change, they might grow apart, which is dumb and he knows it but it still worries him. he doesn’t need to say that his biggest worry is mark, who’s now sixteen and… different. he’s growing up, getting taller, voice deepening, features starting to become more prominent, the cute boy starting to leave his appearance, and hyuck’s heart is doing that  _ thing  _ every now and then, but he doesn’t want to think about it. 

mark has never kissed anyone. donghyuck knows that for a fact—he’s asked him. but he also knows that it won’t be too long before mark does, the girls are starting to notice him and it bothers hyuck. why? he doesn’t like the idea of mark having his first kiss with a girl he barely knows. aren’t first kisses meant to be special?  _ “no,”  _ renjun says in his head.

he’s in his room, sitting on the ground over the carpet going over some homework. he’s waiting for mark who’s running late because he had to go to the supermarket with his mom, to which hyuck rolled his eyes and forced himself not to think that’s actually cute.

finally, mark arrived and sits besides him, taking out of his bag everything they’re going to need and a bar of hyuck’s favorite chocolate.

“for you.”

mark leaves it on his lap when all donghyuck does is stare at it. he frowns.

“why are you nice with me?”

“what?”

“why are you nice with me?” donghyuck hates repeating himself, but he always does when it’s mark. “it’s just… something i think about sometimes.”

“why wouldn’t i be?”

he shrugs, “i can be mean sometimes.”

“yeah. so?”

donghyuck smiles at how nonchalantly mark is about the question and how he honestly doesn’t mind donghyuck’s dual personality.

_ mark lee… i could kiss you. maybe. _

 

— —  
  


“you’re going out with her?”

donghyuck is not mad. he isn’t. the reason he can’t even look at mark is because he’s fucking ugly.

(mark hates it when he curses, donghyuck loves to.)

“i guess.” he doesn’t have to look at mark to know he’s shrugging. he hates him even more. the boy is lying on the ground, thank heaven for that, while donghyuck is in his bed, fucking mad. “why?”

“ _ why?” _ he doesn’t know either. “you never even kissed.”

“neither have you.”

“i’m not planning on going on dates anytime soon.” he clicks his tongue, outraged. “and i had to give daniel a pack on the lips once during truth or dare.”

from the noise on the sheets, mark is sitting down. he’s staring at hyuck through the dark.

“what?”

“it happened when you were away during the break.”

“why didn’t you tell me?”

donghyuck asks himself the same question a lot of times ever since, almost two months ago. 

_ why couldn’t i tell him? _

“it was just a brush of lips, mark.”

mark shuffles around and then something blinds hyuck—his nightstand lamp. once he can see again, he looks over at mark, whose big dark eyes are looking up at him.

“you’re supposed to tell me stuff.”

“i do tell you stuff.”

mark holds his pillow and silently stands, motioning for donghyuck to move so he can lay in bed with him. he had the same idea originally, but mark and his date screwed it up.

once mark is settled and comfortable, both of them face to face, mark whispers, “that’s not what i mean.”

“i know.”

donghyuck moves their faces closer, he could easily leave a peck in mark’s lips, but instead he nudged their noses together, which makes mark smile. 

 

— — —

 

being fifteen is weird, and donghyuck is just now understanding it; he feels weirder as time goes by, it’s like he’s got duck feet, sometimes he wake up sticky, his voice cracks every chance it gets and everything is ten times more intense than before. like for example, mark’s smell—since he can remember the older boy smells like something sweet and warm, like baby powder, a familiar smell that’s really good. but that’s something knew but never really cared about that much because they were kids and of course they’d smell like babies, he himself smells like cotton and baby things, thanks to his mother. but alas, there he is with all these new senses and hormones and there is mark making his senses and hormones go dipshit, and the older boy is just… standing there beside him. five minutes ago he walked in with renjun and saw mark talking to a really cute girl and couldn’t help feel really grumpy out of nowhere. 

_ stupid mark with his stupid perfect face _ , it’s all he can think as mark finally spots him and beams, telling something to the cute girl and making his way towards him.  _ stupid mark with his stupid soft spot for donghyuck _ . stupid mark.

“hyuck! i thought you weren’t coming!”

“you’d like that, wouldn’t you?”

_ pettiness _ is a new word and a foreign word to him, but that’s what jaemin said he is—how the boy knows the word, he’s not sure. the look on mark’s face shifts and he looks like a kicked puppy.  _ stupid donghyuck and his stupid dumb mouth. _

“why would i? i was waiting for you!”

the worst part is that hyuck knows he was, but the weird feelings in the pit of his stomach is making him feel weird and they’re just too loud for donghyuck to ignore them. 

he sighs and sends a tight lipped smile his way, not fake but also not too cheerful, “sorry… i’m feeling weird.”

mark’s not frowning anymore, he shrugs slightly and caresses donghyuck’s shoulder, “it’s okay, hyuckie! now, let’s go, we’ll be late for the movie.”

every midterm the school took them to the movies to watch what the students voted for on a poll, and only when he and mark are sitting comfortably on their seats surrounded by their friends does he realize what made he feel so grumpy earlier—the slight possibility of mark not seating with him, but with the cute girl. 

he’s not sure what he would do if mark left him behind.  
  


— —   
  


it’s christmas again, if mark humming to mistletoe means anything; they’re currently standing at the mall, their friends off to buy them something to drink, somehow mark convinced them go without them. hyuck rolled his eyes then, because mark can make them do anything if he just asks with the right voice, even though it’s still funny and on its way to becoming deeper. mark’s hitting puberty beautifully and donghyuck can’t depress these kind of thoughts anymore; he’s not sure he wants to.

“they’re going to light up the trees soon.”

“yeah.”

it’s already pretty without the lights though, like a sky without stars can be pretty too, but he can’t help feel excited. it’s like that feeling you get when the year is about to change, it’s 11:59:50 on the clock and countdown starts and then the fireworks take the sky and make it their canvas.

mark makes he feel like that.

“i’m moving away.”

it’s a whisper. a fucking whisper meant only for donghyuck, who freezed, unable to look anywhere but the damn tree; beside him, mark is also staring ahead, and donghyuck hates that he knows the look on mark’s face without even seeing it.

“what?”

“i’m moving.” again, it’s a whisper, and even though he heard both times, he feels like yelling at mark to  _ speak louder, damn it! _ yet he can’t, so he waits for it. “to new york, for a year. we’re leaving in a week.”

so that’s why mark purposefully made sure that all their friend went with them to the mall, like a goodbye ceremony. donghyuck wants to yell at him, he wants to hit him a thousand times, he wants to tell mark not to dare walk away or he won’t ever look on his face again. donghyuck wants to kiss mark, but he might just kill him instead.

“oh.”

that’s all he manages since his throat is closing and vision blurring, then the boys find them again, a warm cup of cocoa in his hands, a heavy feeling on his heart and a knot on his throat. he’s only half aware of mark beside shim.

“hyuck—”

“not now.”

 

— —   
  


there are some things that hyuck knows: 1. mark hasn’t given away his first kiss yet, 2. mark is leaving tomorrow, 3. donghyuck is not sure how to proceed with his life without his best friend in it, even if just for a year. and 4. mark is standing outside his house, at 11:50:00. hyuck had invited him to spend new year’s day with him and his family, his mother decided he wanted to have a party in their house for her closest friends, and mark was part of the family so it was only fair. he hadn’t told her about mark leaving, because it would mean he had to accept it enough to say it out loud.

he told donghyuck to meet him outside and he’s just standing in front of the door holding the knob, taking deep breaths.  _ this is it, it’s your last moment together, you won’t be seeing him for a year.  _ he opens the stupid door and makes himself comfortable besides mark, the boy standing there watching the starless sky. looking up, he realizes there’s actually a few, spread around it. 

“how long are younger going to ignore me?”

“i’m not ignoring you.”

“you’re not being yourself either.”

it’s true, he can’t even dare to deny it, he’s not that dumb. he tried being same old donghyuck but he failed, he hates that he’s resenting mark but it feels like that’s the only way to get through the year.

“sorry.” he is, partly. “i didn’t mean to.”

that’s true, he didn’t. he tried not pushing him away, he really did.

“talk to me.”

mark is turned towards him, facing his profile, but donghyuck is looking at the sky.  _ those stars look so lonely. like me. i’ll go back to being lonely without you. _ such a selfish thought, he’ll still have his friends, but…

“you’re leaving.” he repeats the words in his mind, taking them apart and putting them back together. seven vowels, six consonants, too many feelings to count; _resentment, fear, sadness;_ ** _platonic_** **_love_** _._

“i don’t want to leave if you’re going to hate me.”

“i could never hate you!” donghyuck turns around to face him, there’s too much behind mark’s eyes and he can’t seem to look at it, but he can’t look away either. “i’m just sad.”

“me too. i should have told you earlier but i guess i was trying to pretend it wasn’t happening.”

“me too.” they stare at each other for what feels like minutes, and all hyuck can think of is pink lips. “you’re probably getting your first kiss from a new yorker.”

mark cracks a smile, eyebrows rising. he looks beautiful with rosy cheeks from the cold, donghyuck wants to hold him.

“i don’t want my first kiss to be with someone i don’t know.”

he told donghyuck once that a first kiss didn’t need to mean something, at least he thought it didn’t because his older brother told him first kissed were always weird.  _ “it won’t be weird if it’s with someone you like.” _ he told mark, hoping for something.  _ anything. _

“who do you want it to be with?”

hyuck’s voice is a whisper, but so is mark’s, both of them standing face to face, and the way mark is looking at him… he pushes away the thought.

“with someone i trust.”

“mhm…”

“someone who trusts me.”

“good luck finding someone.”

mark laughs, looking down at his lips, and hyuck is tingling from head to toe. “i already did.”

next thing he knows, mark’s lips are on his; for a moment it’s just a lingering peck, but slowly mark opens his mouth, and it’s not weird at all, it’s  _ soft, soft, soft.  _ it’s right.

he can hear the countdown from inside his house but it’s like they’re someplace else, away from everything and everyone, away from the harsh truth that awaits them.

as people scream and cheer for the arrival of a new year, they break the kiss and stare at each other’s eyes, mark’s hands caressing his cheeks, and then pushing his face closer, closer,  _ closer _ ; it’s almost enough to heal the mark-shaped hole forming inside his heart.  
  


— — —

 

when school starts again, donghyuck is taken aback how much he misses mark, even to do the simplest things, like walk together to school. they text frequently,  donghyuck stalks all his social medias, they facetime every friday, saturday and sunday. the school year starts at full gear, absorbing both of them into its black holes. 

donghyuck has always liked dancing, so jisung takes an opportunity to take him to the dance studio he’s a part of, and donghyuck swears that’s what he was destined to do.

but besides missing mark, life went on like it always did; school, dancing classes, homework, hanging out with his friend and texting mark every chance he gets.

 

— — 

 

**> markkkie:**

_ math class is so boring  _

_ at least people here are really nice _

_ dude there’s like this really nice group _

_ they’re great at rap and they saw me  _

_ and invited me to rap with them sometime _

_ you’re probably still asleep tho _

_ but im excited!!!!!  _

_ gotta go hyuckie _

_ text me later ♡ _

**> hyuckie:**

_ mark that’s so cool!!!!!!! _

_ please show me pics when you join them _

_ i want to see you look like a loser _

_ next to the cool guys _

_ school is the same old _

_ dance classes are awesome u’ll love them _

_ some foreign students will be arriving soon _

_!!!!can’t wait!!!! _

_ remember when you were new here? _

_ such a cutieeee~~~~ _

**> markkkie:**

_ hahahahah _

_ you’re so mean to me :((( _

_ remember the cool guys? _

_ they loved me u sucker! _

_ [image attached] _

_ here’s taeyong!!!! he’s korean _

_ he’s got this cute broke english _

_ had - it’s getting better & better now _

_ anyways….. he’s a great dancer too _

_ have you heard about that sicheng guy? _

_ and that ten one too _

_ they’re in my studying program! _

_ /// SOOOOO COOL /// _

_ [image attached] _

_ look how awesome we are . Loser . _

**> hyuckie:**

_ MARK LEE YOU DUMB FCKER _

_ KKKDKAKAAABFKWOSC _

_ TEN AND SICHENG _

_ OF COURSE INKNOW THEM _

_ KDKFKKFKAKSKS I HATE YOU _

_ fuck. the privilege you have. just wow. _

_ here in the Privilege Free zone, _

_ foreigners students are coming in two days!!! _

_ can’t wait to make more friends. _

_ hey!!! two months have passed… _

_ only ten more to go!!! :D _  
  


— — —

 

everything happens too fast; the foreigners arrive and hyuck can’t even blink before taking tabs on the australian one. 

“ _ felix,”  _ jaemin informes him between rushes whispers. “ _ australian, our age and class.” _

hyuck’s eyebrows shot up, a not so sweet smile forming on his lips, “dating?”

renjun scoffs, “unlikely.”

“what about the tall one?”

“there’s so many of them—”

“the tanned one.”

“oh.” renjun goes weirdly quiet, eyes fixated on the person donghyuck is talking about.  _ off limits _ , it’s all he thinks about it. “he’s lucas. or yukhei.”

jaemin is obviously trying to hide a smile while gazing between renjun and the lucas guy, “he’s from thailand.”

“nice. what do we know about him?”

jisung says donghyuck and jaemin should never have been allowed to become friends, jaemin says they should never  _ hook up _ but being friends is okay; they know how powerful they are and joining forces was the inevitable. chenle says mark should never have left—hyuck agrees.

“he’s  _ extremely  _ handsome.”

“clearly.”

“beauty is subjective guy…”

jaemin ignores renjun completely, smiling devilishly at him. “he can speak many languages, so we know he’s smart, ladies.”

“and probably rich…”

“too bad renjun saw him first.”

“i didn’t!”

donghyuck purposefully drags jaemin to his side and leaves renjun aside, “jaemin, you’re the one who saw him first!”

“wow, true!”

“for fuck’s sake.” renjun hits both their napes with astonishing strength, “don’t do anything! you hear me? if i see or hear you doing something i will hunt you!”

they nod slowly. renjun is just too terrifying for them to show their true intentions, which right now if to get him to hook up with the lucas guy.

renjun smiles brightly, looking like an angel, “let’s go!”  
  


— — 

 

donghyuck knew he liked boys. he was well aware whatever he felt towards mark was something that a straight person wouldn’t feel. a straight guy wouldn’t develop a crush on his best friend and let them kiss him during the a firework show. a straight person wouldn’t look at cute australian guys and his cute korean friend and want to kiss them, either.

felix was a nice surprise, pretty smile, angelic face and a deep voice that startled the hell out of hyuck when he was addressed the first time. felix wanted to know where the basketball court was so donghyuck, being the sweet boy he is, made sure to take him there. it was just coincidental that he met jaemin there, who was definitely not drooling at their best friend jeno, and had to watch the game with him. donghyuck could sigh while watching the boys playing—he thought of mark even, how he looked when playing around with jeno, all sweaty. now he’s looking at felix, who’s very much sweaty too, looking like a whole vision.

“your type, huh?”

donghyuck feigns confusion, choosing not to address the poison in those words, “sorry?”

“new and foreigner. really cute. too good for the world kind.”

donghyuck frowns, “how is that my type?”

jaemin’s eyebrow raise as high as possible and he hates that the boy is right, maybe felix does reminds him of mark, that doesn’t mean he’s got  _ a type _ .

“i won’t say the name but you’re not dumb, honey.”

_ but he is. _

 

— —

 

sometimes destiny lays a hand and things happen when you’re least expecting, just like felix being paired with donghyuck for a school project; of course he plays it cool, like he’s a not a deprived person who’s been daydreaming with deep voice and pretty smile; felix seems oblivious to all of it but he’s a talkative person, and so is hyuck, so they hit it off pretty easily.

“hi! i’m felix.”

he doesn’t pay too much attention to the smile felix sends him nor notices how close they’re sanding. 

“i’m donghyuck!”

“yeah, prez jaemin told me about you.”

_ for fuck’s sake jaemin. _

“did he now?!”

“he said you’re cool.”

“i am.” donghyuck smirks. “so, do you know anything related to STEM?”

“i do, actually. it’s one of my favorite subjects.”

donghyuck sighs relieved, “good, ‘cause i’ve got no idea how this works.”

felix spends the whole class teaching hyuck what he understands, and he’s surprised by how much he actually knows and how good he is at explaining; in the back of his mind he’s comparing the way felix teaches him to the way mark does, which sucks, but he can’t help but do it; he also thinks that maybe it’s time to leave mark in new york city. 

“i hope it wasn’t too hard for you.”

they’re walking out of class now, it’s lunch break and they’re going to cafeteria, and he’s liking being walked a little too much.

“it’s not that i’m terrible in STEM, it’s just that it takes a bit of extra studying for me to get there.”

“you study a lot?”

“i study enough.” they share a knowing smile. “why?”

“we could study together. hyujin is pretty smart but he just moved to this school too, i don’t want to add pressure.”

“that’s actually a good idea.”

“nice! see you around donghyuck!”

he can’t help the smile that spreads on his face.   
  


— —   
  


**> ** **leemark99@kr.com** **:**

_ hyuck!! how are you? i haven’t texted that much since the last time. everything is a mess here, there’s just so much to do and not enough time. wow, im lost… sorry for sending an email, but i know you’re constantly checking yours for school, so why not? besides, i broke my phone hahaha i’ll just get another one but mom told me to wait a week, i don’t really mind tho. how are things? i think it’s been almost a month since we properly talked, I miss facetiming and speaking on the phone, we’ll do that as soon as i get a new phone okay? jisung told me dance classes are really exciting right now, im cheering for you!!! he said you’ve got a new stem partner, i hope he knows how to teach you but that he’s not as cool as i am ;) it’s almost your birthday, i’m counting down the days!!  _

 

**> ** **lee.donghyuck@kr.com** **:**

_ hi mark! it’s been a whole month since we last talked? wow… times is flying, isn’t it? ive been busy with school and the dance practices. ive also been watching the taeyong guy on his channel, dude is like an anime god wow. speaking of youtube channels the studio is thinking about making one? felix told them he could manage them. oh, btw felix is my stem partner, he’s one of the foreigners. he’s friends with this guy called lucas whom renjun has the heart eyes for…. its funny to look, I might take a pic and send it to you. i like talking through emails (i just realized that) or facebook, we can write longer texts. but anyway, please don’t be sad if i don’t answer as often, things are really taking too much out of me, but as soon as you get a new phone please text me!!! i hope you’re good!! and hydrated!! and eating healthy!!!  _

**> ** **leemark99@kr.com** **:**

_ i got a new phone yesterday but didn’t text you since ive got the same phone number, i was kinda hoping i could send you something like ‘new phone who dis’ but not this time :/// you said you liked email and shit so here i am… it’s probably the third email i send you but i know you’re busy. ive seen some stories on jisung’s instagram of you dancing and you look so good! wow. dancing and appearance wise, of course. that felix guy seems cool, it looks like you’re always together, i hope im still your best friend haha… anyway, one week to your birthday!  _  
  


— — —  
  


june 6th arrives and just like that donghyuck turns sixteen; nothing changes except mark is not there with a cupcake. he groans and holds a pillow against his face.

“forget mark lee! he’s in new york and you’re in seoul, damn it!”

for the most part donghyuck is able to pretend it doesn’t bother him that he’s ignoring mark’s e-mails. he pretends everything is fine by going through his instagram stories and liking his pictures, leaving random comments and then texting every now and then to prove he’s alive, but the truth is that he’s trying to clear his mind. he’s got this life here and that’s his chance to know what it is without mark, because it’s like he built his life around the older boy and simply got lost in translation when he left. it can’t be that way.

he’s been thinking a lot about boys that aren’t mark lee. he’s been kissing a lot of boys that aren’t mark lee. he likes kissing boy the same way he liked kissing mark lee. but felix isn’t mark and that’s a good thing. so when the boy asked him out on a date in donghyuck’s birthday, of course he wasn’t going to say no. between a movie and a party where they could get drunk, they chose the party, mostly because all his friends would be there and they could party together on his birthday. renjun said that was a weird idea for a first date but he also said it made sense when it came to them. donghyuck was happy to be part of a  _ ‘them’ _ .

  
  


the party was cool and filled with nice people from school and friends of friends, donghyuck felt very much at home and felix did his best to make the night worth hyuck’s time. donghyuck was just happy to look at his cute face. somewhere along the party people sang him happy birthday and by that time he was a bit more than drunk, clinging to felix like he life depended on it.

“c’mon, let’s sit.” felix led him outside the house, by the pool area. donghyuck notices a bathroom and considers running for it. “are you going to throw up?”

all he can do is not and let the taller boy lead him inside. he barely steps foot there and his body is already flinging forward and letting everything out while felix calmly caress his back. then felix is gone after saying something about getting something somewhere and telling him not to move, to which hyuck only grumbled in response; and then he’s back, making sure hyuck is alright  and stuffing his mouth with toothpaste and mints, once he’s done with that he hands him a plastic cup filled with soda. when they’re finally out of the bathroom and sitting by the pool, the cool night breeze doing wonders to him, felix hands him a bar of chocolate.

“thanks.” hyuck frowns, an embarrassed smile on his lips. “the chances of a second date is probably zero, right?”

felix laughs and then shakes his head, “no, don’t worry about it. i’ve seen worse in australia.”

“ _ jesus _ .” before he takes a bite he cracks it in half and offers to felix, who takes it with a grateful smile. “we’ve been studying for some weeks now and i never really asked about you.”

“what do you wanna know?”

“favorite color? do you miss your friends? do you miss australia? how long are you staying here?”

“black and white, though every color is cool. australia was nice and i loved there for too long, so moving away is refreshing, and i’m still not sure how long i’ll be staying.”

donghyuck looks at the freckles on his face, finding it endearing.

“you forgot one question.”

felix takes a deep breath, body relaxing as he stares at the pool, “yeah, i miss my friends. we talk everyday, we make it work, but it’s not the same thing.”

“it isn’t.”

“you have a best friend, don’t you? jisung’s room is filled with pictures of your groups of friends, so is everyone’s instagrams.”

“have you been stalking me?”

felix narrows his eyes, “maybe…”

that makes donghyuck laugh, like really laugh, a kind of happiness he hasn’t felt ever since mark moved away.

“i do have a best friend.  _ mark _ , he moved away in january. his mother had to go back for her work and he got accepted in a studying program there.”

“is he coming back anytime soon?”

“it’s june… probably around january next year.”

“wow, a whole year.”

“yeah.”

it’s quiet for a few seconds but it feels like hours, because mark is always present inside his mind and heart, but he never talks about him; it’s almost like a silent room between their group, not mention mark anymore, or only if he’s the one who brings it up, which is rare. donghyuck is still trying to adapt to that hole inside his heart, too big for facetiming calls, e-mails and texts to fill up.

“you must miss him.”

hyuck bites his lip tonsured whatever he felt crawling up his throat, settling for a simple—“terribly.”

_ sometimes it’s like i can’t cope. _

felix must have sensed something was wrong because he went quiet and got closer to him, not enough to touch but enough to be there _._ _he’s here, and mark isn’t._ donghyuck thinks about kissing felix right then but decides against it; he thinks about kissing him as he’s walked home while talking about australia and everything related to felix’s old life; he thinks about kissing him when they get to his house and the boy stands there, looking at ease and not expecting anything from donghyuck, and it warms his heart; he thinks about kissing him but decides against it because mark is still in his mind and in his heart, and there are some things he needs to take care of.

felix kisses his forehead and hyuck closes his eyes as tight as he can, hating the thought that crosses his mind;  _ “it should be mark, but mark is not here anymore.” _

 

— — —

 

_ “hyuck! happy birthday!” _

“hey, thank you… i got your messages and the instagram post, thank you.”

_ “it’s the least i could do being away.” _

“yeah.” he sighs, looking up at the ceiling. “i had my first real date today.”

_ “oh. well, how was it?” _

“good. we went to a party and everyone was there, it was nice. felix is nice, you know? he’s smart and sweet and funny… like you.”

_ “you guys seem close.” _

“we’re trying to.”

_ “how is it working then?” _

he thinks about his different voice mark sounds from the last time they saw each other, he can practically see the frown in the boy’s face, can hear the uncertainty in his voice; he looks at the mirror and sees a boy who’s also different, changing by the hours, and he knows right then that they’re not who they used to be and tomorrow they won’t be who they are today. 

“i’m trying my best.”

_ “i’m sure.” _

“you’re being sarcastic?”

_ “no, hyuck, i… want you to be happy.” _

“i was happy when you were here. i am happy right now. it’s just—i was  _ happier _ .”

_ “me too.”  _

he remains silent because there’s no point in talking, there’s no point in any of this, really. “i don’t like being a resentful person, mark.”

_ “then don’t be.”  _ he says it as if it is the easiest thing in the world, to not resent someone, to not miss a person so much it hurts.  _ “don’t be, hyuck. i don’t want to make you feel anything but good feelings, so if i’m the reason why you’re stuck, don’t be.” _

“how does that song goes? the one about building your life around someone.”

_ “fleetwood mac’s landslide?” _ mark chuckles, but it’s sad. everything is sad.  _ “it goes ‘i’ve been afraid of changing cause i’ve built my life around you…’ _ ,  _ remember now?” _

“mmhmm… you’re my best friend.”

_ “i am, don’t forget that. i want to see you happy, there’s nothing more beautiful than watching living and being yourself.” _

_ there’s nothing more beautiful than you, you, you, mark lee. _

“we never talked about that kiss.”

he can touch the tension that settles between them even countries apart.

_ “what’s the point? i’m not there, it’s not fair but i’m not there.” _

“so what’s the point, right?”

they laugh like that’s the funnier thing they’ve heard in a long time, like they used to do before.

“i’ve been so dramatic, i hate that. no more drama from me, okay?”

_ “good.” _

“did i tell you how terrible the date went?”

_ “tell me!” _

there’s a shift in the universe right there, he can feel it as he tells mark all about it and the boy laughs like crazy; he feels warmer now, more himself than he felt in a long time. he’s got his best friend back even though he was always there, giving him the time he needed, and that’s all that matters.

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> donghyuck is lost in translation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hyuck and felix enjoy their time together knowing it’s ending soon; donghyuck tries to figure out his feelings.

__ and i know we haven't talked in a while   
so i’m looking for an open door  
  
  


donghyuck is sixteen now but he’s got nothing figured out, which is sad because he swore when he was ten years old that by now he’d have everything under control, but that’s not what’s happening at all. it took felix a whole month filled with dates to finally kiss hyuck, which the latter was very thankful for since he had just made up his mind that felix was it, the closest he’d ever get to being with someone in this moment of his life; felix is simple, he’s a chill person who wants to fool around and have a good time, and that’s what he needs right now—to clear his mind and not think. 

he also focus his attention in trying to get renjun and yukhei to get together, but the two of them are so oblivious it hurts. there’s also jaemin and jeno, who donghyuck is pretty sure are hooking up, or at least on their way to, by the way jaemin just can’t stop drooling at jeno. he knows that mark is with someone, not dating or anything, just being casual, whatever that means. maybe he and felix are casual. he’s not sure anymore. 

“that’s stupid!” 

felix is sitting in front of him in his room, a box of pizza between them. “what? we drag jeno and jaemin so renjun and lucas won’t have an excuse to say no.”

“yeah, but they won’t go to a  _ couple’s date _ .”

“they don’t have to know what it is! jeno and jaemin aren’t a couple.” donghyuck sends him a pointed look. “yet.”

“renjun will be hard to get to.”

“good thing you’re very persuasive.”

donghyuck smirks.

he spends the next three days winning to renjun about how unfair it is that they don’t hang out anymore, ignoring the comments about how he’s too busy sucking felix’s face off, trying his best to not curse at him because getting renjun to be kissed is the most important task at the moment. renjun finally gives in but he makes sure to make it clear that he’s going only because donghyuck is an annoying fucker and not because  _ xuxi  _ is going. felix handles everything with jaemin, which is fine by donghyuck— _ “all i want you to do is be there on time, being pretty as always.”  _ felix told him between kisses; a man who knows how to convince someone.

it’s almost a disaster. why? because renjun wanted to turn around the moment he noticed it was a triple date, to which jeno got all red trying to say it wasn’t  _ ‘a date date’ _ and jaemin hit him hard on the ribs; lucas tried to calm down his date and make jeno feel better while keeping jaemin from hitting him again; felix and donghyuck left them to buy as many food as they could. the rest of the night isn’t terrible like hyuck assumed, they watched a really nice movie and went to have pizza afterward, renjun and lucas getting along like they always do but somehow looking more relaxed next to each other, like they’re not worrying about not letting their feelings show; jeno and jaemin are just as always, flirting and bickering while jaemin plays the difficult card, which is just a scene since everyone knows his big ass crush on him, and jeno couldn’t be more soft for the petty boy; hyuck can only smile while looking at his friends, thinking that it finally feels like things are starting to make sense, specially when felix flicks his cheek and when he turns around and the boy is holding a napkin shaped like a rose.

the boy’s eyes twinkle as hyuck stares at it with his mouth hanged up, “ _ origami _ .”

_ cute _ ,  _ really cute. _

he takes the napkin rose and puts it behind felix’s ear, laughing when the boy poses cutely, wearing it proudly.

“you’re a baby. felix the baby.”

“you love it.”  
  


 

— — —  
  


 

now his days are filled with felix, working on renjun and lucas, and texting mark to update him on everything. mark had mentioned something about an youtube channel but never sent hyuck the link, he said he was ashamed and would show him once he was ready, but little did mark know that jisung happened to be crazy about ten and taeyong, who were very much mark’s friends, and who very much posted videos with mark in it, dancing and being the prettiest person alive; donghyuck tries to play it cool but jisung knows him and casually plays every video with mark on screen. there’s quick videos of mark showing his dance breaks, experimenting on new dance styles, group dances and, for donghyuck’s utter surprise, videos of them rapping. it’s heaven for fifteen years old hyuck. and sixteen years old him. that day he goes to the dance studio and dances it out, feeling a bit off from all the videos he watched with jisung and by himself, dissociating to the point of closing his eyes while dancing and being able to feel mark there, hearing his laughter and soft voice. there’s a funny feeling crawling inside of him but he can’t name it; he thinks about felix and how happy he is right now, thinks about his life getting back on track and not feeling so lost anymore, thinks about how he felt months ago and how he feels now. his moods aren’t determined by mark anymore, he doesn’t resent his best friend for having to move away for a whole year, he doesn’t even cares about mark being with someone else, because mark seems happy with his new friends and healthy and so full of life, so how could donghyuck resent him for living his life? mark made it pretty clear how he’s the happiest when donghyuck is just being himself, the least he could do is feel the same towards mark. still, even when he thinks he’s about to move forward, mark is always there to remind him that’s far fetched thinking.

“oh, there you are.”

donghyuck stops dancing, turning around and finding jeno; the boy walks inside as hyuck turns down the volume, watching as jeno offers him a bottle of water.

“thanks.” he takes the cap off. “what are you doing here?”

“jaemin is looking for you. i thought you’d be with felix since he wasn’t at practice”

“oh. his friend hyunjin needed his help with something… or maybe felix needed hyunjin’s help with something?”

“more likely.”

jeno helps him pack his things and organize the dance studio, and it’s only when his stomach growls that he notices it’s a few minutes past 7pm.

“i didn’t even notice the time.”

“i noticed. you seem off.”

“just thinking too much as always.”

“is it mark?”

he hates that jeno knows how to get him talking and that they’re already reaching their favorite place to have pizza. 

“isn’t it always?”

“he’s coming back soon.”

“yeah, no need to remind me.”

“what? you don’t want him to come back?”

“i do… it’s just complicated right now.”

“trust me, i know.”

jeno and mark are really close friends and donghyuck knows jeno understands the situation they’re both in, but he still doesn’t feel like talking about it and jeno won’t make him do it, so they order their food and talk about random things. it helps to clean his mind, but when he’s at home and lying on his bed, mark is still on his mind and very much on his heart.  
  


 

— —   
  


it’s halloween and there’s a party happening, hyuck is dressed as naruto and felix as sailor fucking moon, with a wig and everything. it goes unsaid how much hyuck ends up drinking but by now he trusts felix blindly and just lets the boy carry him wherever he wants to, but of course he’s going to sober him up. this time though, he leaves hyuck with his best friend, hyunjin, who’s dressed as a vampire.  _ nice _ , hyuck thinks.

“you’re pretty cute.” of course donghyuck was going to open his mouth. the blush on the boy’s cheek doesn’t go unnoticed. “you and felix are something else,  _ jesus _ .”

“you’re very drunk.”

“of course i am… but i’m not blind, am i?”

“apparently not.” the boy smiles and offers hyuck his hand. “hyunjin.”

“ _ oooh,  _ i see you like it formal. donghyuck.”

“felix talks a lot about you.”

“about you too.”

the boy smiles and shakes his head as felix approaches them, asking what they’re talking about. “i was telling your friend about how cute he is.”

“oh, he’s very cute.” felix presses a cold and wet towel on his forehead after pushing him to eldest his back all the way in sofa’s cushions. “let’s not embarrass him more, okay?”

“noted.”

hyunjin gets up, hands going through felix’s hair to mess it up, “i gotta go now. bye donghyuck!”

he smiles and waves without opening his eyes, “bye hyunjin!”

everything is spinning but he doesn’t feel like throwing up, he just feels really sleepy, but felix is making him drink soda and eat chocolate, as he always does, and he complies because it will make him not regret living the next morning.

“he’s the kind of guy i would totally have a crush on.”

“me too, babe.”

“of course, i have a crush on you too.” felix only smirks and looks at him pointedly. “ _ oh. _ really?!”

“yeah… no, don’t look at me like that.”

“you had a crush on your best friend?”

“you’re one to talk!”

“that’s why i’m talking!”

somewhere between their bickering donghyuck took the towel off his forehead and kept dodging from felix’s hands until they couldn’t stop laughing. that’s when felix motions for him to lay down on the comfortable couch, laying beside him.

“we’re fucked up boys, crushing on our best friends.”

felix hums, “we are.”

they fall asleep.

 

— — —  
  


 

“mark, hey!”

it’s a lazy saturday and hyuck’s waiting for felix to come around so they can watch movies, he didn’t expect for mark’s call since he told him there was a trip going on with his group of friends.

_ “hey hyuck. can you talk?” _

“sure.”

_ “really? you said felix was going to your house, i don’t want to bother—” _

“don’t be stupid.” he rolls his eyes. “he’ll be here in an hour.”

it goes unsaid that even if he was there donghyuck would still find time to talk to mark.

_ “remember the girl i told you about?” _

“yeah. lily?”

_ “yep… yeah, hmm. i think i just broke her heart.” _

“fuck. how?”

for a second he thinks that mark lee isn’t able to break someone’s heart because he’s too good, but then he thinks again;  _ at least not intentionally. _

_ “yeah. she confessed and i—fuck. i couldn’t lie. i told her it’s not fair to her since i’m leaving soon and, well… that i don’t feel the same way.” _

“mark lee, you dumbass.”

_ “i was honest with her!” _

“you were, but at what cost?”

_ “great. i suck, don’t i? i’m the worst person alive and—” _

“a bit over the top? yes, you are, my sweet pretty boy. calm down, okay? maybe talk to her tomorrow when she’s had time to think about everything.”

_ “ugh, i just want to leave, hyuck. it’s like i can’t cope anymore.” _

“january it’s less than three months away.”

_ “feels like a lifetime though.” _

hyuck nods even though mark can’t see, half paying attending and half thinking about mark telling a girl he’s not interested in her, that he’s leaving soon back to korea and that they’ll be facing each other in less than three months.

“why did you break up with her?”

_ “i told you… i don’t feel the same way. hell, i’m not even sure if she likes me the way she thinks she does.” _

“but why did you? couldn’t you stay with her and then leave?”

_ “it wouldn’t be fair to lily, what’s the point in playing with her? it’s not a nice thing to do, to play with someone’s heart.” _

“you said it was casual, couldn’t you keep it like that?”

_ “i could, even though i want nothing to do with her or anyone during my last weeks here. but she couldn’t.” _

“that casual thing is a mess.”

_ “how are things with felix?” _

“good, the same as always.”

_ “do you… love him?” _

the question is filled with uncertainty, like mark doesn’t want to say it or hear the answer but he still asks, and hyuck still thinks about it like the thought had never crossed his mind before.

“i do.” it’s the truth. “maybe not in the way you’re supposed to love a boyfriend, but yes.”

_ “so you’re not in love with him?” _ hyuck settles for shaking his head, heartbeat fastening.  _ “i wasn’t in love with lily either.” _

“it’s different though, you and lily with me and felix.”

_ “how come?” _

“we never tried naming it and felix is not gonna ask me to be his boyfriend, but we’re together. we might not be tomorrow, but today we are.”

_ “it’s different.” _ it sounds bitter.  _ “how many boys have you kissed?” _

mark is drunk. he only noticed now, but he’s sure. he only uses that tone when he is, just like he only gathers the courage to ask questions when he’s drunk. once he asked hyuck if he regretted being friends with him.

“nine with felix.”

_ don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it— _

_ “i was first?” _

“you were.”

_ “good.” _

“have you kissed another boy?”

_ “no, only you.” _

_ good,  _ he thinks about answering, but his mind screams  _ “not fair”. _

_ “hyuck—” _

he takes a deep breath, “mark lee don’t you dare say a word. you just broke things off with lily and felix is arriving soon. you’ll be here in nearly two months, so don’t. please.”

“ _ okay. sorry, i’m—sorry.” _

_ i am too. _

“goodnight mark.”  
  


— — —

  
  


mark lee is the best friend someone could ask for but he is not here, at least not yet, and months without him have shown hyuck how wrong it is to build your life around someone; it’s too easy to get caught up on people, to get comfortable and used to them being there, _ a constant _ , and then when they’re gone you’re left standing there in the middle of nowhere, lost and afraid. but what are you afraid of? of meeting new people? of letting someone else in again? or of being left behind over and over like you’re not worthy of someone’s love or time? he shouldn’t think like that, donghyuck knows it, but that’s how he felt—and although he won’t admit it out loud, he admits it quietly to himself, with a stupid fear of someone reading his thoughts. mark left him behind, he had to move and hyuck had to stay, but somewhere along the way they lost touch; they can talk everyday, text every minute, but it’s not the same thing, because they’re not the same people anymore; donghyuck tells himself that that’s okay too.

and then felix came into his life like a second chance, like the change he needed, the carefree and chill romance he thought he’d never have, showing him he could be with other people and didn’t have to kiss random faces to forget one; it took him some time to dissociate felix from mark, to finally open up and let it happen, and when it did it felt like a victory— _ ‘see? you’re moving on, you’re not so hurt anymore’.  _ it’s not that he forgot mark or replaced him, no one could replace mark is his life or in his heart, not even felix, but it was a different kind of love—he loved mark for himself mixed with the idea of what they could be, what he  _ wanted _ them to be; he loved felix for how he made him feel, that kind of freedom and intensity of a summer storm; because that’s what felix is,  **_summer love_ ** ; although it’s been over a season, the rain will soon come and take it away. and that’s okay, too. that’s life.

 

— — —  
  


on december 24th, outside felix’s house, donghyuck receives a text.

**> markkkie: **

_ merry christmas hyuck!  _

_ less than a month for me to arrive! _

**> hyuckie:**

_ can’t wait!!!! _

_ merry christmas~~ _

_ how’s everyone? _

**> markkkie:**

_ everyone’s great! _

_ my brother says hi btw _

_ how’s your mom? _

**> hyuckie:**

_ she’s in jeju  _

_ i’m spending christmas with felix _

_ we’re going to jeju with the boys in 2 days _

_!!!!!!!!! 2  EXCITED !!!!!!!! _

**> markkkie:**

_ oh _

_ that sounds nice _

_ so unlike ur mom to leave u behind alone _

**> hyuckie:**

_ i’m literally with felix _

_ not literally _

_ im outside his house _

_ u get it _

**> markkkie:**

_ yeah well  _

_ u get what i mean too _

**> hyuckie:**

_ no i do not  _

_ i gotta go he just buzzed me in _

_ bye mark _

_ merry christmas _

**> markkkie:**

_ bye hyuck _

 

— — —

 

that donghyuck’s life is a screwed up mess, everyone knows. but he still gets surprised by how stupid he can be sometimes or how much crazier his life gets after taking incredibly dumb decisions, but alas there he is. everything starts when mark tells him he won’t be going back in january, if he comes back at all before august, and donghyuck decides that he’s got too much on his plate to think about for too long; mark’s got his priorities set straight so he needs to do the same, and it’s a new year so he might as well try it. 

“heard about mark.”

felix makes himself comfortable on the carpet of hyuck’s room, taking a pillow and placing it on his legs to thread his finger through the black fur. it’s not a silent request for him to tell him whatever is on his head, it’s simply his silent way of saying  _ ‘i am here if you wanna talk’,  _ and donghyuck wants to.

“it’s okay.”

“is it really?”

donghyuck rolls his eyes, “don’t go soft on me, pretty boy.”

it gets him a cheeky smile and a bump on the shoulder, his head finding comfort in felix’s shoulders.

“when have i ever been soft with you?”

“i can think of a few times.” felix not so delicately pokes his rib. “i miss him.”

“i know you do. i’m sorry.”

“he sent a text, felix. a fucking stupid text.”

 

**> markkkie:**

_ bad news: not coming in january _

_ hopefully before august… sorry hyuck _

 

“me too.” it used to be just a thought but there’s no need to hide from felix. “i don’t feel like a good person right now; part of me is almost happy that he’s not coming back, after months of resenting the hell out mark, wishing for him to come back.”

“that’s okay, hyuck. resenting someone is better than hating them.”

“i can do both.” felix gives him one of his pointed looks, hyuck rolls his eyes for the nth time and smiles half heartedly. “i wish i could do both…”

“you don’t have to do either of them.”

“how easy is life for you?”

“well, i tend to not complicate things for myself, something i don’t think you can relate. at all.”

“how is it like?”

“pretty refreshing.”

and then hyuck laughs with all his being because life is a mess, he’s lost on his tracks and has no sense of what’s coming for him, but he’s got amazing friends and felix, who’s everything he can name, and maybe that’s enough for now. when he kisses him is because he wants to, because he likes how he tastes and how felix responds, and because he no longer thinks of mark—because mark is in new york and inside his heart, but not on his mind.  
  


— — 

 

it’s four am when he phone rings, and there’s only one person who’d call him at this time of the night.

“mark.”

_ “sorry to wake you.” _

“it’s okay. you’re okay?”

_ “no, not really. are you?” _

donghyuck sights and turns around so he’s facing the ceiling, “i’m trying very hard.”

_ “you have felix and the boys.” _ donghyuck hums.  _ “i should never have left.” _

“why do you think that?”

_ “i lost you.” _

“i’m still here.”

_ “but isn’t that the problem? you’re there and i’m here. i left you behind, you hate me for it.” _

“i don’t hate you for it.”

_ “you do, you do, you do…” _

hyuck shakes his head but doesn’t answer at first, a knot on his throat and heaviness on his heart, “no mark, sometimes i wish i could but i don’t.”

_ “i deserve it.” _

“you don’t.”

_ “i hurt you so many times… that’s why you’re with felix, isn’t it? he would never hurt you, i don’t even know him but i know that.” _

“he wouldn’t, but neither would you. at least not willingly.”

_ “i’m coming back. for real this time, really soon. i don’t know if i’ll be able to face you.” _

“you have to, otherwise i will never look at you again. i’m still hurt from the text.”

_ “yeah, that was horrible. i tried calling you a thousand times but gave up, how could i tell you that? i would only cry on the phone…” _

“stop, no tears are allowed. i’m tired of crying for you.”

_ “i’m sorry. please believe me when i say that.” _

“i do.”

mark takes a deep breath,  _ “how pathetic we are. go back to sleep, hyuckie.” _

“goodnight mark.”  
  


— —

 

he doesn’t talk to mark often after that, sometimes they go days without talking and when they finally make contact it feels forced. he’s trying to be okay with it, it’s more about getting used to how things are now than anything else; he was used talking to mark everyday and everything changed in the blink of an eye; he was so sure that they had overcome their distance problems but seems like they haven’t, or they did for a second and then everything crumbled down again; maybe they will never work things out unless mark is here.

_ mark mark mark mark. _ no longer.

 

hyunjin starts tutoring felix once the school year is back, which ends up with hyuck watching the two of them study while he does his own homework. since their  group is mostly from the same grade, except chenle, jisung and lucas, they always study together. jaemin and hyunjin lead them thoroughly,  _ ‘leave no man behind!!!’ _ being their motto, and it turns out to be actually true since everyone starts seeing progress. donghyuck never really gave much thought about hyunjin before rather than he’s felix’s best friend, whom he had a big fat crush on, and who’s very cute—but he never noticed exactly  _ how _ cute he is, with nice glasses, pink lips, cute nose, long hair on the back that almost makes donghyuck think that a mullet would look nice on him (except he’s not that far gone, thank you very much). 

 

“are you admiring my best friend, donghyuck?”

he raises his head and sends the boy a bashful smile as he sits beside him, “maybe. he’s pretty cute.”

“a man with taste, as always.”

“do you think i don’t see you liking mark’s pics? you even comment on his photos.”

“you keeping tabs on me or mark?”

felix’s got that cute smile on his face, the one he gives when he’s enjoying their exchanges.

“on both.”

“nice answer.”

“but anyways, hyunjin is cute but he’s your business.”

“who am i to judge you for drooling over my best friend?” he shrugged mindlessly, biting his lips so he won’t smile too much. “if i’m not looking at you, i’m looking at him.”

modern romance at its finest.

 

— —  
  


he’s so busy sucking felix’s face off in a party that he almost misses the moment where jeno and jaemin happen—or at least publicly, since he’s pretty sure they’ve been sucking face for some time now. he swears chenle and lucas practically make him go deaf by how loud they scream, phones on their hands recording to post it on instagram, and by monday morning everyone will know about it since they’re both pretty popular and  _ prez jaemin is sucking lee jeno’s face off _ . 

“wow renjun, you’re officially the single one of the group.”

renjun glares at him, “no, i’m not.”

felix comes up behind him, arms circling around his waist and chime resting on his shoulder, “he’s right babe, lucas is also single.”

“oh, is he now?! i’d figured he’d have found someone by now…”

“eh, if not now then soon.”

felix kisses him before renjun can curse at them and leave.  
  


donghyuck is desperately looking for something sweet to eat since felix is busy playing beer point and he can feel himself getting closer and closer to the point he can’t barely see from drunkness. he finds himself at the kitchen, going through a stranger’s fridge.

“hey, you okay?”

“yep. need sweets.”

the person chuckles, lightly touching his shoulder so he’ll make way. hyuck complies, only noticing it’s hyunjin when the boy opens the freezer part of the fridge.

“oh hey, you really came.”

“of course i did, it took me this long because i had… a date. i guess?”

“wow, guess you’ve got your game on.”

the boy laughs cutely, taking a pint of ice cream out and closing the fridge, heading towards a drawer and taking out two spoons, handing one to hyuck.

“here. anyway, i try. the girl was nice and all, but nothing will come out of it.”

“sixteen and breaking hearts.”

“almost seventeen.”

they both sat on the counter, not really caring much about anything, and share the pint. he can almost feel himself coming down his hazy state.

“i break a lot of hearts too, you know?”

“really?”

“yeah. in the spam of a year i broke around five. people got attached too easily and i was looking for a temporary fix.”

“i know the type.”

“yeah… then felix came and here we are.”

“how serious are you though?”

“we’re not. we’re together but it’s open. maybe. i never really asked.”

“you’ve been with other while with him?”

“not really.”

hyunjin studies him, “have you been in love with someone else while with him?”

he grimaces, shutting down his mind’s attempt of bringing memories back, “yeah. maybe.”

they fall silent for a few minutes, but that hyuck minds. lately he’s been avoiding at every cost to not talk about mark.

with a shameful smile, hyujin says quietly, “i don’t know how to proceed after screwing up the conversation.”

“i can think of something.”  
  


— — —  
  


donghyuck is on the edge of seventeen and he’s still got nothing figured out, except now he’s got a therapist to tell him that’s normal and part of growing up; he was reluctant at first but loosened up after a few sessions, especially since that office is a judgement free zone, and he can talk about things he wouldn’t dare tell his mother, for example: “i’m dating felix for over a year now… and then hyunjin got in the way.”

“of you and felix?”

“yeah. quite literally.”

it takes mr. kim a few seconds to understand what he’s implying, “you’re… dating both of them?”

“no, i’m dating felix, doc.”

“oh.” he frowns and fiddles with his glasses, then a tiny smile appears on his lips. “how’s your bedroom, donghyuck?”

“a mess. mom gave up on it in january.”

the smile grows, donghyuck isn’t even bothered by the way mr. kim studies him; in the beginning he assumed he was being judged, now he understands the therapist is only trying to understand him better.

“at your age is normal to experiment. you see, it’s good that you opened yourself to felix and that now you feel comfortable enough to open up to hyunjin. i also think it’s really interesting how you three are so casual about it, it’s fascinating to me, really.”

hyuck smiles condescendingly, “but?”

“but we both know you’re running from something.”

_ or someone _ , his mind echoes.

“is that a bad thing?”

“what is?”

donghyuck hates it when he plays dumb so he can say the truth out loud. he’s being paid to help, right? that’s not helping. except he is.

“to runaway from something that makes you sad.”

“not at all, but eventually you’ll have to face it.”

he stares ahead of him, thinking about awakened texts, indirect stories on instagram, pictures around his room that he refuses to look but also to take down, youtube videos and updates from others.

“well, i will be facing it in over a month.”

“that friend? mark?”

“yeah. mark.”

“you don’t talk much about him when it comes to the present.”

“we don’t talk much anymore.”

“and why is that?”

“it got weird.” hyuck frowns. it’s the truth but it sounds wrong, it doesn’t sound fair. “we built our lives around each other, you see? well, i built mine around him, i can’t speak for mark. anyway, he left and was left behind.”

“couldn’t make it work?”

“if all we had was friendship, we could. i don’t think it was just that, though. but we moved on since there was nothing that could be done.”

“i understand. and you got a boyfriend.”

hyuck smiles, embarrassed. “yeah, felix.”

“you like felix?”

“i really do.”

“what about mark?”

he stops on his tracks, almost freezing, eyes fixated on his hands, frowning at himself.  _ why about mark?  _ what about him?  _ what. about. him? _

“i don’t know anymore.” he takes a deep breath. “i love him, i just don’t know  _ how _ .”

“you love felix and mark differently?” he nods. “how’s that?”

“because mark is always on my mind, and in my heart, and around me. ever since the day we met it was always  _ mark, mark, mark. _ ” he gulps, trying to grasp the right words, the ones that were stuck on his throat for too long. “when i think about him all i can remember is how much it hurt to look at him, because he just couldn’t be real, no, not mark lee… maybe that’s why i love felix in a different way, because with mark it’s like i can’t breathe or think or cope.”

_ it’s like i’m drowning or falling, and i’m so, so, so scared of both, but i’d still do it. _

“fuck, doc… that was stupid.”

mr. kim chuckles and there’s a glint in his eyes that looks like he’s got hyuck all figured out by now.

“let things happen to you, donghyuck. from everything i’ve been learning about you, things seem to find their place in your life when you’re not trying to control them.”

 

— — —  
  


**> nanaaaa~:**

_ mark is back  _

it’s a week until his birthday when he receives the text while he’s on a date with felix and everything stops for a moment, unable to think.

“mark is back.”

felix stops walking and studies hyuck for a moment. “you sure?”

“jaemin just said so.”

“wow… how are you feeling?”

“i just found out.”

felix sighs and pushes him into an embrace, knowing hyuck finds comfort in contact, and he really needs to know he’s got somewhere or someone to rely right now. he feels like he’s losing ground.

“guess it was nice while it lasted.” he can feel felix’s lips on top of his head, the boy rocking their bodies slowly in a calming manner while hyuck takes deep breaths. “do we need to make it more dramatic?”

“you’re breaking up with me, pretty boy?”

“i’m stepping out, yes. i’ll still be here but you need to face him alone.”

hyuck groans something he can’t understands and then tries to speak out loud, “then i’ll be single _ and _ miserable.”

“for fuck’s sake, drama queen much?”

donghyuck laughs and finally breaks out of the hug, staring at felix with gratitude on his eyes.

“thank you.”

“for what?”

“everything.” donghyuck frowns and bites his lips, thinking about what he meant to tell felix many times. “you helped me learn how to breathe again.”

“good. don’t forget it.”

felix still walks him home, making sure he’s okay enough to go inside, and even though hyuck is not sure of what’s to come he knows he needs to be alone right now. this time, felix kisses his forehead, and when he’s in his room all by himself he lets his mind remind him of everything he tried to repress for a year;  _ mark, mark, mark, mark, mark.  _

still mark.  _ always mark. _

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> / [twitter](https://mobile.twitter.com/dearfdream) /  
>   
> mark is back!!! no more pining!!! no more angst!!! just love!!!


	3. Chapter 3

 

he’s walking to school by himself because he needs to think, so he takes the longer road; the night before, after felix dropped him off, donghyuck went to bed but couldn’t sleep, so he ended up in bed with his mom. he told her about breaking up with felix and mark coming back, and how the latter was the only thing going through his mind—he feared his mother would think her son is heartless, that he broke felix’s heart in order to have his broken one mended again, but all she did was listen. he was scared of having to face mark again after so long, specially after the last call they had months ago and everything they’ve been through during the time mark was gone. he forced himself to not think too much, failing miserably every time. his mind kept chanting mark’s name and his heart kept reminding him how much he missed the older boy; all his plans for a put-together façade went down the drain, he knew that as soon as he faced mark he’d forget everything he could have planned. there was no point in dwelling on it, it was something that would happen eventually and he should get it done with, maybe they would be able to talk it out or maybe they would pretend that nothing happened—he wasn’t sure what was worse.

the problem is that he fears what might happen to them—he doesn’t want to lose mark’s friendship or jeopardize it more than they already did, but what maybe that was the only way. and maybe he’s also scared to hear from mark how horrible of a person he might have been for pushing him away, even though it was necessary for his growth, maybe he could have done it in a better way. he ignores that thought, he did what had to be done for himself, he wasn’t give much to work with and feeling lost forever or until mark came back wasn’t a decision. 

frowning, he walks into the school and looks for his friends. it doesn’t take much time for him to spot all of them around mark, they’re not paying attention to him since they’re excitedly talking, so hyuck takes a turn and makes his way to stem class, knowing full well mark will soon appear on the corridor; thankfully they’re not on the same year.

he spots felix resting against the class’ threshold, and when the boy spots him he smiles brightly.

“hey hyuck! you okay?”

“have you seen him?” felix nods. “i ran away before they could spot me.”

“i haven’t talked to him yet, but eventually i will.”

“why?”

“so he knows we’re cool.”

hyuck nods but frowns, “no one knows we broke up?”

he shakes his head slightly, “i assumed you’d prefer to give the news yourself.”

“yeah, thank you, pretty boy.” hyuck smiles and follows felix inside so he can leave his things on their table. “don’t tell them.”

it’s stupid and childish to hide it, but he needs time to settle things inside his mind before he tells everyone (read: mark) about the news.

“c’mon.”

it wasn’t a good idea to follow felix out of the classroom, he bumped right into jeno, who was next to mark; he didn’t mean to but he looked at the boy, mark’s eyes buried into his, his mouth hanging open as if in mid sentence. hyuck takes a step back and runs his hands through his uniform, eyes drifting down mark’s body without much thought, then going back up.

breathlessly and trying a contained smile, he says, “hi.”

mark smiles too, timidly and just as contained, and answers, “hi.”

there’s a touchable tension between them, neither of their friend making an effort to talk and straight out pretending not to notice them, but then when felix’s hands go through his back hyuck snaps out of it and takes a deep breath.

“hi! i heard so much about you!” felix smiles brightly at mark, who’s take aback but smiles back, holding his hand out for felix so they can high five each other. “dude, your raps are great!”

“thank you! i saw on instagram that you rap too.”

“i try, mostly.” felix laughs and glances at hyuck. “he thinks i might make a living out of it, i’m not so sure myself.”

donghyuck doesn’t miss the way mark’s glance flicks between them, but at least he doesn’t look too bothered. hyuck knows him better than to believe it. but felix is cool and he’s trying, so that’s enough for mark to reciprocate.

“i can always talk to taeyong.”

“wow, don’t even joke about it!”

mark laughs and hits felix’s shoulder slightly, “let’s rap together sometime.”

he excuses himself, but not before flicking one last glance at hyuck, who stays behind while everyone follows mark but felix. he also doesn’t acknowledge the glance renjun throws his way, the one that probably says  _ please don’t freak out.  _ he won’t. 

— —

ashamed of relying on felix for everything, he tries to look for comfort in jaemin, since jeno is mark’s best friend—although he’s sure jeno would not tell mark, he doesn’t feel like risking it. so there he is, literally clinging to jaemin’s neck, while the boy enjoys the attention while clinging to him back, it’s only a plus that the boy actually listens to him.

“so you broke up with felix?”

“yeah.”

“and you’re not going to tell mark?”

“i will, just not today. i need to think.”

“you’ve been thinking too much lately.”

hyuck props his chin on jaemin’s shoulder. they’re sitting at the lunch table waiting for everyone, hyuck’s anxiety eating him up.

“you sound like pretty boy.”

“he’s smart and he knows you as much as i do. he simply broke up with you?” hyuck nods. “and all you said was that mark was back?” nods again. “damn, get me one of those.”

“he’s my award boyfriend, i will spend the rest of high school pointing at him saying  _ ‘see him? i tapped that!’.” _

jaemin laughs, “while dating mark lee. a man with taste.”

“so i’ve heard.” he nuzzles his nose on jaemin’s jaw, frowning when he realizes what he said. “don’t say that.”

“a man with taste?” when hyuck pushes away to frown at him, jaemin’s smile only widens. “oh,  _ mark lee’s boyfriend, _ huh? it’s the truth though.”

“it is not.”

“you sure want it to.”

hyuck gestured with his hands out of anger and frustration because he would be suspended if he punched his friend. he’s not given the chance to answer since all his friend arrive and he can see jeno not so subtly pushing mark forwards so he will sit beside hyuck, who’s very much holding his breath.

“hi,” mark says as he sits down. 

“hey,” he says back, just like he did in the hall. this time he makes more effort, “how was your flight?”

“good. i arrived around 6pm.” mark’s way of letting him know he wasn’t here for long before jaemin told him. “i wanted to surprise everyone.”

“well, it worked.” hyuck offer a tight lipped smile, but it’s not sarcastic or anything. “jaemin texted me.”

the boy is too busy clinging to jeno to care, everyone at the table is engaged in their own talks, not minding their business; lucas and renjun are bickering about something while chenle and jisung are sharing headphones and watching videos; mark looks agitated, legs bouncing and fingers fiddling, hyuck stares at his eyes and face for the first time and is taken aback by how different mark looks, his face is sharper, the stare deeper and his body more muscled. he looks like a soon to be eighteen boy. or, almost a man.

“can we talk?” 

“not now.”

“later, then?”

he nods. “go to my house after school.”

“we’re walking together?”

“sure.”

“what about felix?”

“he’ll live.”

mark nods, looking compliant and even hopeful. donghyuck tries to pay attention to whatever his friends are saying so he won’t think about what’s to come, and it works through most of the break, except when mark’s arm brush against him from how close they have to sit, or when hyuck focuses too much on the sensation of their thighs touching.

it’s going to be a long walk home.

— —

it’s not a secret that he missed mark but it hits him hard once he sees the boy walking towards him. since mark had to go to the office for some reason, hyuck walked out with felix and hyunjin, listening to the two of them excitedly tell him all about the movie they’re going to watch today. they’re both gone as soon as they spot mark, leaving hyuck where he is now, staring at the older with his black hair and round specs that look really cute on him, and the shy smile displayed on his lips. hyuck tilts his head as mark steps closer, trying not to stare too much.

“are those real prescriptions?”

“of course!”

he smiles as they start walking side by side, both in a somewhat comfortable silence, and hyuck focuses on his own breath as his heart starts to feel warm.

“so… how are things?”

“good.” hyuck shrugs. “i’m seeing a therapist, mom thought it’d be nice for to talk to someone.”

“is it helping?”

“it’s been weeks but i can already see the difference, it really is nice talking to someone who’s there to listen and give you advices.”

“you ever talk about me?”

_ okay. straight-forward. _

“sometimes.” he shouldn’t lie right now, not if they’re going to fix things. “about you and everything else.”

“that’s good. it’s nice to know you had people to talk to while i was away.”

“yeah, felix helped a lot.”

“he seems nice.” he glances at mark, maybe looking for evidence that he doesn’t mean it, but he finds truth in his eyes. “c’mon, you told me once that on your first date he took care of you. that’s enough to gain points with me.”

hyuck rolls his eyes, “yeah, pretty boy is pretty sweet.” he notices mark frown at that, and he lets the truth slip, again, “i don’t wanna talk about felix right now.”

“he’s part of the equation.”

“we’re not a math problem, and he isn’t.”

mark frowns again and opens his mouth to talk back, closing it right after seeing the look hyuck is sending him.

“okay. what do you wanna talk about?”

“why are you here? i thought you were coming back in august.”

“they said i could go back earlier if i showed up at graduation.”

“oh, so you’ll go back to it?”

“yeah.”

“why not stay until you graduated then?”

mark stares at him for what feels like minutes, finally breaking the eye contact and staring at the ground, “because i wanted to see you.”

he misses a heartbeat, “because you wanted to see me?”

“yeah.”

silence. all around them. 

hyuck has a lot to say all the time except when it matters; because he wasn’t expecting mark to say that; because mark wasn’t supposed to come back for him; because he told his mind so many times that mark was gone and would take too long for him to come back but now there he is, telling him he’s the reason he came back earlier, and that’s all hyuck wanted to hear back then, when he daydreamed about mark walking through the doors saying  _ ‘i came back’ _ .

his mind is spinning and his heart is racing, both going  _ mark, mark, mark, mark. _

“hyuck.”

it’s barely a whisper and when he looks around he notices they’re both standing in the middle of the sidewalk. maybe he stopped when he started to overthink. 

“mark.”

should he fill up the silence? of course, that’s a stupid question, yet he can’t. so he motions for them to keep walking and mark complies as always, giving him his space without interfering. it’s minutes later when he feels like speaking again.

“how’s your mom?”

“she’s great. her job there is finished but she sent my brother to look after me, she’ll be back in august.”

“it’s nice that she’ll be there to watch you graduate.” mark nods and smiles softly. “how were the classes?”

“really nice! i had school in the morning and the afternoon was mainly practiced.”

“you must have learned a lot.”

“i did! i’m thinking about joining you and jisung at the studio.”

“oh, that’d be nice. i’m sure the teacher would love to have you there since you learned with ten and sicheng.”

the walk to his house is filled with small talk about their lives through last year, never getting too personal, but hyuck knew it would happen soon; for now he was just content listening to mark talk about his life in new york city, it reminded him of when mark was new he would talk about canada like it was the best place on earth.

hyuck’s mother is not home once they get there but as soon as they get comfortable in the television room he hears her coming in; it takes her a few minutes to come talk to him, used to meeting him and felix studying in the living room, but her eyes widen when she spots mark. he was always her favorite out of the boys, so it’s no surprise when she hugs and cools over him, pinching his cheeks and running her hands through his hair—hyuck tries to pretend he’s not jealous of how easily it is for her to do those things when he feels miles away from mark, who hasn’t left his side ever since they left school.

“your mom is still cool.”

“you mean over the top?”

mark chuckles and sits down again, holding a pillow to fiddle with it—he’s nervous. donghyuck is calmer now, probably because he’s at home where he feels safe, and his mind is not as clouded anymore.

“should we…”

“yes.” he turns so he’s facing mark, straightening his posture and taking a deep breath.  _ this is it _ , he thinks to himself,  _ you either fix things or say goodbye _ . “we never talked about the kiss.”

he remembers that time they mentioned it, right after his first date with felix, when he felt like he couldn’t breathe and then mark set him free, when he wasn’t even being held back. not intentionally.

“okay. let’s talk.”

hyuck nods dumbly, biting his lips as if trying to keep himself from saying something dumb. from all the questions that went through his mind while mark was away, there was one that always made itself noticed.

“why did you kiss me?”

“because i felt like doing it for a long time, but then i was leaving and… i just felt like i had to do it, even if it meant you might push me away.”

“i wouldn’t.”

“yeah, but it still scared the shit out of me.”

“kissing me?”

he shook his head, “losing you.”

“oh.” 

he turns forwards again, bringing his legs  up and closer to his chest so he can wrap his arms around it.

“you kissed back.”

“of course i did.”

“i don’t get it.”

hyuck turns around, frowning at him. “what? are you that blind and stupid?”

“yes.”

“for fuck’s sake mark.”

“what?! say it with your words hyuck, i’m tired of making things up in my mind.”

hyuck turns the tv’s volume up so his mother won’t listen to them even though the kitchen is not that close to where they are. he takes more deep breaths, forehead pressed to his knees as the gathers the courage. he rests his temple on his knees so he can face mark and still be curled into a ball of self-protection.

“i wanted you to kiss me. fuck, so many times… it meant something to me when you finally did but then…”

“i moved away.”

“yeah, you moved away.”

“and you met felix.”

he nods. “it meant a lot to me when you told me go for it and be happy.”

“that’s all i’ve always wanted you to be.” he nods once again, unable to talk, so he patiently waits for mark to do so. “i was jealous of him, i followed his instagram since everyone was crazy about him and maybe i’d get to see glimpses of you. i just wasn’t aware of how it would make me feel.”

“you were always so supportive though. most of the times, at least.”

“because he’s a nice person, i could see how happy you always were in the pictures and stories. i would never do anything to jeopardize your happiness.”

“every fucking time i felt like everything was under control again and things could work out with felix, you would text or call me saying how much you missed me or how big of a fuck up you are. that wasn’t fair.”

“it wasn’t and i’m not proud of it, okay? i hated myself for doing so, i truly did, but i couldn’t hold back… sounds so stupid.” he mumbles something, the heels of his hands massaging his eyes and then hands going through his hair. “stupid. stupid. stupid.”

donghyuck smiles painfully and then laughs, which startled both he and mark since it sounds honest. “i’m sorry—it’s just surreal that we’re here talking about it. i made myself believe you wouldn’t come back anytime soon but here you are, calling yourself stupid.”

mark laughs too, the moment looking a lot like surrender; donghyuck is tired of fighting and he missed his best friend, he can deal with whatever’s to come as long as mark is there.

“let’s begin again.” he says eventually, like s peace offering; mark looks at him with an eyebrow arched, looking surprised. “let’s deal with things as they come our way, no rush or pressure.”

mark nods, his body relaxing for the first time since he came into the house, hyuck is sure he looks just as relieved.

“boys! the food is ready!”

he gets up and hears mark following him down the hall, and it feels too familiar—only then does he lets himself realize how much he missed the simple daily things with mark.

— — —

donghyuck and mark choose to take things one at a time, since right now they do have all the time in the world to work on them. the older boy goes back to having dinner at his house every day, including the days his mom is working and donghyuck doesn’t want to be alone. mark also makes some effort in getting to know felix, even though hyuck hasn’t told him they’re over—he figured that if mark’s smart then he’d notice it by himself. lucas makes it his goal to become best friends with mark and it seems like an easy thing since they’re always cracking up over nothing and making up tons of inside jokes. his last week as a sixteen years old took a toll on him, flipping his world upside-down at the last minute, but going with it was the only thing to do.

_ june 5th, 11:55pm. _

“sixteen was a crazy ride.” he mumbles to himself and then holds his breath for a few seconds and his phone rings.  _ mark. _ “hey.”

_ “good, you’re awake. _ ” it looks like he was walking but stopped, breath calming down.  _ “come downstairs.” _

he gets up in a hurry, “what?”

_ “quick, before it’s midnight!” _

he’s pretty sure he never ran down the stairs so fast in his life, phone still on his ear and then abruptly unlocking the door, only to meet a breathtakingly beautiful mark in the night light.

“hi,” mark says, still on the phone.

“hi.”

hyuck ends the call and as mark does the same he look down at the boy’s hand, a box in it. “what is it?”

“can i come in?”

“oh, yeah. sure.”

they hurry inside and as mark makes his way to the tv room hyuck can’t help but stare; the boy’s dressed in black sweats and a white shirt with that stupid golden specs. they sit on the couch and mark opens the tiny box, taking out a cupcake. there’s also a tiny candle and that he stakes on it, taking out a lighter from his pocket and lightening it.

_ 11:58pm,  _ and mark is holding the cupcake between them and singing him happy birthday with so much love in his eyes that it almost makes hyuck dizzy, he finishes it with  _ “happy birthday, dear hyuckie, happy birthday sunshine~.” _

_ 11:59pm _ , and donghyuck thinks that everything will be alright. they’re completely different people from who they were when they met but the love, friendship and mutual respect is still there, but it’s clearer now. mark is his best friend and he’s in love with him, has been for a long time now, but they had to step away and learn how to live without the other only to meet again and understand that this is it, that’s where their heart is. 

_ 00:00am _ , and donghyuck can only speak for himself but the way mark watches as he blows out the candle is enough for him to understand that mark feels the same. he sets his cupcake aside and takes mark’s face in his hand, pushing his face forward so their noses can meet, and then brushes them together. he feels it when mark holds his wrist and kisses the palm of his hand, then his cheek and then the corner of his mouth. 

_ 00:01am _ , and donghyuck does not make a wish because mark is there and they’re going to be okay, and that’s all he’s wanted ever since they met.

— —

“where are we going?”

mark had picked him up at home saying they were going to walk around, so that’s how ended in the park.

“nowhere in particular.”

“is this the part where you lead me to an abandoned space between the trees and kill me?”

“fuck, you ruined the surprise.”

he holds back a smile as mark indeed take them to a more private place under a tree, but instead of killing him, mark takes some things out of his backpack, setting a tower so they can sit and place their food.

“wow, a picnic!”

he goes straight for the strawberry as soon as he takes his shoes off and sits down, soon being followed by mark once he’s finished organizing everything.

“you’ve always love those, right?”

“yeah. it’s been a while since i had one though.”

“was it with felix?” hyuck nods, fishing another strawberry. “you don’t need to hide your relationship from me.”

“what relationship?”

“with felix.”

hyuck narrows his eyes, thinking about how dumb and blind mark can be sometimes, which is totally something he should have learnt by now, but yet…

“there’s no relationship.”

“hyuck—”

“i told you not to worry about felix. there’s no reason to.”

mark furrows his eyebrows and settles for eating the sliced banana with a fork, even though he’s mostly stabbing the pieces than anything else.

hyuck rolls his eyes so hard he fears he might go blind, “what?”

“i just don’t get it.”

“what’s there to get?”

“you tell me.”

“we broke up the day you arrived. he told me that i needed to fix things with you and he’s not expecting me to go running back to him or anything, he knows what he had was special but it could never last. happy?”

he just told mark everything he told mr. kim their last session because it’s the fucking truth and he needs mark to understand that since he won’t pick up on unsaid things.

“how special was it?”

donghyuck blinks, not expecting the question at all, doubting mark really wants to hear it. but judging by the look in his eyes, he genuinely does, so hyuck complies. “he appeared when i needed and he was like that first breath you take after being underwater for too long.”

“i was the one making you feel like you were underwater.” 

it’s not a question but a confirmation, and hyuck feels embarrassed by the term but it’s the closest metaphor to what and how he felt when mark left. 

“yeah. those adaptation months after you left felt a lot like being drifting in the sea.”

or drowning, unable to reach the top.

“if i make you feel like that then why did you break up with felix?”

he shakes his head, “i felt that way when you left. whenever you were with me i felt like i couldn’t breathe or think, because those feelings were just overwhelming and i was constantly afraid of messing things up.”

mark frowns again and hyuck knows he’s not making it easier on the boy’s understanding but he needs to put it all out, now or never.

“but it’s a good feeling.”

“i don’t see how.”

he smiles, “because now i know you feel the same.” tilting his head and narrowing his eyes, “don’t you?”

“obviously.” mark lets out a breathy laughter. “i really like you donghyuck. no, i—shit. i more than like you.”

now he’s beaming at mark and his heart is full. “you know, felix never compared to you and you can never compare to felix, because you’re different people whom i love differently.”

“i know. sorry, sometimes i get too involved in my thoughts.”

“you can ask me anything, you know that right? or felix, if you want. there’s only friendship and mutual love and respect between us.”

“i really am happy that you were with someone who loves and respects you.”

“me too.”

“and i would never do anything to jeopardize your friendship, felix is someone who i very much want to get to know.”

hyuck couldn’t be happier, unable to contain his smile and face hurting from it, but happiness was taking over him in every way possible.

“maybe the two of you could rap together.”

— —

donghyuck makes a point of trying to spend as much times as possible with mark, even if they’re studying together and not saying anything, it’s rare to see them apart—which is not news for anyone since they were always like that before, but the point is going back to how things were before letting them be something new. a month had passed since his birthday and they filled it with mark going to his house to play video games or watch movies, studying together, walks at the park and lazing around. and school life is also kicking them in the butt so all his strength goes to homeworks projects.

“see now?” felix raises the jar for them, the dirty chemicals from their trial and error now long gone. hyuck smiles over their accomplishment. “there’s nothing in the way anymore.”

they high five each other when the teacher compliments their work, flexing on jaemin and renjun for taking longer to get it right.

“not fair! they’re both great at stem.”

“it be like that sometimes, guys.”

“shut up felix.”

“what, just because i broke up with donghyuck you treat me like that? not nice!”

“shut up!”

“jesus.”

mark is waiting for him at the end of the corridor once the class is finished, so he high fives felix one more and runs to meet the boy halfway. he wraps his arms around his shoulders in a tight hug, mark stumbling back a few steps and laughing. when they break the hug mark waves over at felix who’s got a phone in hand and a devilish smile on his face. 

“do i wanna know what he’s going with that phone?

hyuck shakes his head, “trust me, you don’t.”

 

mark asks him out on a date on a friday, a stuttering mess fearing the answer he might receive and donghyuck was too taken aback to say anything for a whole minute. nevertheless, words bubbled out of his mouth and he thinks he said yes—he’s not sure he managed to blur out the right words but mark was giggling like a fool so he thinks he managed just enough. it took him a few hours to let it sink in and then he was a wreck, thinking of all the ways it could go wrong and how he would screw up big time and mark would never look in his face ever again. it took felix to calm him down through facetime and jaemin in person.

“what if i screw up?!”

he was laying with his belly facing up for around an hour now, scared to face the real world—and mark, who would be here in three hours.

“ _ that’s a huge possibility.” _ he glared at felix through the screen jaemin was holding up.  _ “but he’s known you for years now, i doubt you would scare him.” _

“you didn’t scare felix in your first date when you had your face down the drain, puking the life out of you, how could you possibly scare mark?”

_ “that’s a great point, pretty boy.” _

as jaemin smiles proudly, donghyuck can only groan out of frustration, too caught on his anxiousness to admit they have a strong point—if he survived  _ that _ first date with felix he could certainly survive a first date with mark, his best friend in the world, except…

“it was different! i had just met felix and never didn’t have feelings towards him until months later, mark has been  _ ‘it’ _ to me for a long time now.”

_ “but he’s also known you for a lifetime, c’mon, don’t make it hard on yourself. that’s not our donghyuck.” _

“true, our donghyuck wouldn’t be scared to go on a date, even if it’s with the love of his messy and pitiful life.”

donghyuck slaps his arm but cuddles jaemin’s side right after, making a peace sign to felix. “i’ll hug you on monday, pretty boy.” 

_ “have a great date babe! hyunjin said he’s rooting for you!” _

“oh mama, you come in one piece now?”

hyuck wiggles his eyebrows at jaemin, “buy one get one free.”

jaemin nudges him on the rib as felix laughs, “you sure would know that, wouldn’t you?”

“ _ BYE GUYS!”  _ felix screams on the other side of the screen, waving them goodbye and finger hearts.

jaemin lets him have a peaceful and quiet moment, both of them in bed cuddling for around half an hour, before he’s being hauled out of it and shoved into a shower—for a quick moment he thinks might actually get in with him to scrub him down, but the boy opta to staying in his room meddling into his things to pick out a ‘ _ bomb outfit and coming up with a make up, you need to look as handsome as you normally is’ _ .

he stares at himself in the mirror—ripped tight jeans, white shirt partly tuckered, a red jean jacket on top of it to give the look some life and his vans. his hair is now orange, almost vanishing, and he thinks it makes his skin look prettier. he’s got some bronsé eyeshadow and dark brown eyeliner. if looks say anything, the one jaemin is sending him means he looks great.

“i like it.”

“of course you do.” he approaches hyuck, staring at his eyes through the mirror, eyes shining. “you look really hot.”

hyuck smiles brightly, “i do, don’t i?.”

“lucky mark lee.”

“nah, lucky me.”

jaemin rolls his eyes and goes sit on the bed, bouncing happily as hyuck checks himself out and sprays some perfume. it’s almost time for mark to pick him up, he knows the boy will be very much on time and he can’t wait, electricity pumping through his veins.  _ for fuck’s sake. _

— —

to say that mark looked nervous was an understatement, he looked like the definition of  _ flustered _ and  _ nervous wreck _ , and also extremely beautiful wearing tight jeans and a big black t-shirt, and slightly messy dark hair—no glasses. hyuck had to control himself from pushing the boy into a wall and kissing the hell out of him.  _ not yet, not yet, not yet.  _ mark leads the way, both of them walking side by side, enjoying the cool air and before hyuck knows they’re arriving at the amusement park; mark pays for their tickets while ignoring hyuck’s scold. it’s weird feeling nervous around mark, he never allowed himself to feel too much of anything towards the older, he knew very well that it was unlikely mark felt the same way and losing their friendship wasn’t an option. look at them now. 

“mark! let’s get some cotton candy!”

“will you eat it?”

“of course i will.”

“hyuck.”

“fine. i want to take a cute picture with it, so what?”

“you should stop wasting money on trivial things.”

“ _ trivial.  _ such a fancy word.”

“it isn’t.”

“ _ mark. _ ”

“fine.”

mark caves in like hyuck was sure he would and the younger rewards him by taking cute selfies, kissing his cheeks in some of them, the smile in mark’s face becoming too bright for the screen to handle.

they go to all the wild rides, donghyuck always loved roller coasters and mark always agreed on going with him, even though he wasn’t that much of a fan; while walking around, mark got him got him a teddy bear, more like a  _ lion _ , which hyuck held tight to his chest and claimed the name would be markie, to which the older cringed but couldn’t hide a smile. thy left the ferris wheel ride for last since hyuck thought it was boring, but mark convinced him to go; it was a really big one and rather slow so it’s probably take them a good amount of time to finish the ride, so maybe leaving it for last wasn’t a bed idea—hyuck was buzzing from all the sweets he induced and he needed to come off his sugar high.

“oh. okay.” hyuck holds on tight to the cabin’s seat as the ferris wheel starts off. “cool.”

mark giggles, “it’s been a while since i rode the ferris.”

“yeah, me too.”

felix and hyuck were always running around from roller coaster to roller coaster and then riding them all over over to even think about the ferris wheel. he knows that yukhei finally confessed to renjun while riding this same one.

“it’s so nice.” as the wheel goes up, hyuck can’t help but gape at the view. “all the lights and the world becoming smaller.”

“we’ll be on the top of the world soon.” mark looks cute, the city lights reflecting on his bright eyes, and he can’t stop staring at hyuck. “you know i came back for you, don’t you?”

“what?”

“yeah. it was like I was going mad, being away without you, and feeling like we were about to lose each other.”

“mark you shouldn’t have.”

“no, i should. being away taught me a lot, but it showed me that i  _ can _ live without you, i just don’t _ want  _ to.”

_ i can live without you. _

_ i just don’t want to. _

hyuck tilts his head and stares at mark for a good minute, many thoughts going through his head, but one is special:  _ mark lee has always been a pipe dream. _

this moment it’s not a confession, hyuck tells himself that, because they still have issues to overcome. or maybe donghyuck does and mark is willing to wait as long as the younger give him kind of sign. so donghyuck takes his hand to mark’s cheek and caresses it tenderly, hand sliding through soft skin and fingers threading through the hair on mark’s nape. when the younger lets out a content whimper and sigh, hyuck brings their faces closer, and then soft lips meet his, and the world stops. mark tastes like he remembers, but also like coming back home after a long time away, like surrender and like a breath of fresh air after being underwater for too long. the way mark holds him and kisses him back is enough to let hyuck know that there’s no going back, this is it, he’s falling, he’s falling,  _ he’s falling _ ; for a long time now.

as mark holds his face while they’re on the top of the world to how he pulls hyuck in for another breathtaking kiss with too many feelings to the way mark looks at him with all the love in the world to hyuck’s breath getting caught on his throat and tear threatening to fall to many more kisses traded that night and the silent words and promises;  **skinny love** .

— — —

yukhei decided to throw a kickback party on a friday, but hyuck forgot just how popular the boy is and was surprised when he found the house almost full of people. 

“i thought it’d be a small party!” he yells at mark through the music.

“it is for him!”

mark’s hand is placed on his back, a reassuring touch as they walk through the blue and pink lightened rooms; hyuck is relieved when he finds his friends, although renjun and yukhei are too busy sucking each other’s faces off to notice their arrival. hyuck smiles excitedly as he spots felix and hyunjin, throwing himself on their arms and chatting animatedly. he becomes twice as happy once mark comes over and starts talking to felix; in the span of a month mark and felix made a point of becoming closer since they’re both important to hyuck, and it was pretty easy for them to become friends since they had so much in common. mark and hyuck have also been talking a lot, jaemin got into hyuck’s head that  _ communication is key _ and he actually believes it now, so they’ve talked about pretty much everything that happened between them, and now it feels lighter, like they’re on the way to become something.  _ anything _ . it’s been two months since their kiss on the ferris wheel, time not cutting them any slack, as always, but things are different now; there’s no rush, no doubt, no hold back feelings. the way mark touches him with a discovered intimacy that’s more than what they were used to is welcomed, it took them some tries to get used to the different touches but now it’s second nature, especially when that’s what they’ve been longing for the longest time now. 

mark’s arm is surrounding him, mark casually resting his weight on it as hyuck is cornered against the wall, he’s got nowhere to—not that he’d go anywhere if given the chance.   
he can feel mark’s breath as he talks, and in the back of his mind donghyuck thinks that he might taste of ice cream and shots of vodka. it drives him crazy.   
“you wanna go home?”   
“no,” mark’s stare is captivating and he gets closer and closer by the second and hyuck can’t cope anymore. “i’m okay right here.”   
mark could easily turn his head and meet hyuck’s lips from how close they are, and that’s more than enough to drive him even more into madness; mark’s lips hold a secretive smile and his eyes are buried into hyuck’s, the tension building and spilling around them. hyuck burns, everything around him is bright colors and the world is set in flames.   
mark’s smiles widens as if he knows how much hyuck is holding himself back from kissing him, because he wants to be kissed, he wants mark to make the move, because he knows the older will gladly do it. and so he relents, turning his head just right and meeting hyuck’s lips, biting it teasingly and then sucking and hyuck can’t cope anymore, pushing mark impossibly closer and wrapping his arms around his shoulder, fingers tugging his hair like it is the answers to all his questions—and it just might be. he feels mark shuddering against him, hear and feels the strained moan he lets out and the smile between kisses. so he thinks,  _ oh, reality sure is better than dreaming. _

— — —

“happy new year’s eve!”

“chenle, it’s still 9pm.”

“so what?”

hyuck smiles as he watches his friends jump around johnny’s apartment, mark’s older brother. johnny invited all of them to spend new year’s eve with him in new york, and they extended the vacation to a whole week. he also got the chance to meet taeyong, sicheng and ten, which almost made jisung pass out, but now they’re on friendly terms with the dancers, and his friends couldn’t be happier. mark is the image of euphoria, all smiles and soft kisses and reassuring words—they’ve been together for months now and it still feels unreal but  _ right _ ; they haven’t made it an official thing yet, not with exchange of big words and things like that, but they know what they are and nothing’s ever been so enough. 

 

“what are you doing there by yourself?”

mark sits beside him on the couch, handing him his glass of wine. hyuck smiles an eyebrow shoots up, “fancy.”

“that’s me.”

“i’m just watching everyone.”

“felix is really not coming?”

“no. he misses his family so i told him it was okay to be with them.”

mark sips on his drink easily, looking around the room, “it’s not the same without him.”

“right? i love us.”

“us?”

“ _ us _ .” he bumps their shoulders together. “all of us.”

from his crazy friends who stuck with each other through everything to mark, the boy he loves with all his heart.

 

it’s 11:58pm when they go up on the roof to see the fireworks, it’s cold but hyuck feels warm from the wine and the atmosphere. he can’t help but think about all the new year’s eve they’ve spent together—he and mark have been friends for so long now but every ending and beginning of a new year meant something different to them. 

“hey.”

mark approaches as he’s standing over the handrail, watching the building and the beautiful city. he smiles, too content.

“hey you.”

“is this spot taken?”

“i was saving it for you.”

mark smiles cutely, eyes filled with glee and so much love it makes hyuck warm. 

“remember the first time i kissed you?”

“of course.”

hyuck doesn’t say it but he meant to tell mark he remembers all of it, the reason he keeps it to himself is because the older boy knows.

“i was so scared back then.”

“of ruining our friendship.”

“that too. but also because i was terrified of you.”

he frowns, “why?!”

“you were the first person i ever liked. i didn’t understand those feelings and, honestly, the world isn’t the kindest to boys who like boys. i thought it was just a friendly feeling, until it wasn’t.”

hyuck could only stare dumbly at him. he was used to the honest talks they shared but this was just completely different. he could never have imagined mark felt that way, all that time back then he’d been going through the same thing, sharing the confusing and scaring thoughts, and if he only knew…

“so when i kissed you, that’s when i knew. then i left, of course i had to screw something up, but you remained in my life. sure, in your own way, and we had to learn and grow separately, but it was all worth it, and now i finally have you, and i love you more than i did years ago.”

there’s too many emotions inside of hyuck and he can’t cope and the countdown is about to start and he feels static, so he thinks of the dumbest thing to say and makes it double, “are you proposing to me?”

mark cackles, reaching out for his hands and squeezing them, “not really. i was actually going to officially ask you to be my boyfriend.”

“oh.”

_ “TEN!” _

donghyuck giggles looking up at mark, the boy looking calm but expectant, “is that a yes or a no?”

_ “NINE!” _

“are you dumb?”

_ “EIGHT!” _

“yes.”

_ “SEVEN.” _

“yes, dumbass!”

_ “SIX!” _

“yeah, i had that one figured out.”

hyuck lounges himself at mark, who lifts him off the floor and spins him as the countdown goes  _ five! four! three! two! one!  _ and everyone cheers the year that’s coming while mark and hyuck took the breath out of each other. he thinks to himself that love can heal people and yet it’s also what can hurt them, but mostly, it’s the emotion that teaches us the most, and the purest and strongest one. as he stares into mark’s eyes, the only thing he can think of is:  **_unconditional love._ **

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [twitter](https://mobile.twitter.com/dearfdream)  
> this was a random idea that came to me but it turned out super fun to write but yay!!! it’s over!!! hope y’all enjoyed it!

**Author's Note:**

> [twitter](https://mobile.twitter.com/dearfdream)  
> that’s it for the first part! felix is a sweetheart and i like the stray nct dream + stray kids concept. markhyuck will soon find their way back to each other <3  
>  **STAN NCT! STAN STRAY KIDS!**


End file.
